The 'Meeting'

I wore a fake smile

Way too bright for my liking

Way too sweet, really cloying

But I did not care

I could not let him see,

Let him see how miffed I was.

Walked up to him with a purposeful stride,

Very calm on the outside,

A crumbling mess within,

Stood in-front of him,

Raised my eye a bit and saw that his jaw was set,

The face was set in stone.

Something radiated from his frame,

It was so strong,

But I could not put my finger on it,

Was it anger?

                Was it loathing?

                                Was it frustration?

Whatever it was,

It was damn cold!

Couldn’t find my voice,

My tongue was glued to my palate,

My throat felt parched.

One thing I avoided, was meeting his gaze,

I did not want him to see the murky swirling waters of turmoil within my soul,

I did not want him to see the shards of my broken heart,

The very shards I have been frantically trying to piece back together.

I did not want him to see the dark venomous anger,

I was fighting so hard to suppress.

I did not want to see the emptiness in his eyes,

I did not want to meet a cold blank stare,

I did not want to see the scorn in his soul

So I stared blindly at the horizon,

Grabbed what was mine from his hands,

Turned on my heel ,

And left!

                                *Sigh*

Do the math!

There were moments
Moments when I allowed people's opinions to define me
Moments when somebody's mean words towards me
Made me doubt myself.

I would falter
Stutter
Hesitate
Stammer
For they would have said I was inadequate.

I would move around in a daze
Like a husk of a being
Apologizing for things I would not have done
Doing penance for sins I did not commit
Doing time for crimes I had nothing to do with.

He said I was a nut case at one time
And it riled me up!
He said I was insure another time
And I went ballistic!

Saying spiteful words
Goading me to react
So he would call me a nut case again.

Now as I sit and look back
I realize that it ain't me who had a problem
But he who spewed out the mean words.

Belittling others
To feed his own ego,
Making others feel insecure
To compensate for his own low self esteem.

I ain't all those 'things' you said I was,
Funny thing is you were actually defining yourself there
With those words you thought were meant for me.

I ain't mad at you no more
Cause you are pointing at me with one finger
But the remaining four are pointing right back at you,
Do the math!!

What A Life!

He played my body like a violin
Took my senses to greater heights
And allowed me to soar
Such passion!

He told me all the beautiful words I wanted to hear
Took my head to the clouds
And allowed me to dream
Such gaiety!

He would make me smile,
Make me blush
Make me giggle
Make me purr
Make me moan
Such ecstasy!

Made a portmanteau with our names
I had a band of beads on my wrist
Spelling out his name
He had a band of beads on his wrist
Spelling out my name
Such love!

In my mind's eye he was my soul mate
In my heart he was my knight in shining armor
In my soul he was my Adam....my Romeo
Such folly!

Turned out all those sweets words
All those beautiful magical moments
Those 'sincere' heart to heart exchanges
Were just but a charade
What betrayal!

What an experience!
         What an ordeal!
                  What a life!