'Loveee'

So yesterday I ran into a lovey dove pair,
Holding hands and giggling like teenagers,
Oh yeah,they were in love,
Hook line and sinker.

At one time,
I could have been jealous,
I could have wanted to experience the ecstasy they had,
I could have yearned for someone to come hold my hand too,
To whisper into my ears and make me blush,
I could have yearned for a kiss,
A caress,
Some cuddling,
All that heavy breathing and more.

But I didn't,
I had this plain cold indifference which was all new to me,
And a sadness which felt pretty bottomless,
All these things I thought I missed,
I was surprised to realize I actually did not.

Reached for my pulse to check if I was still alive,
Good Lord yes, I was alive,
My heart was slamming against my rib cage,
All it was doing was pumping blood,
No pitter-patter and going all mushy over 'love'.

Even gooey soppy films,books and texts,
Have all of a sudden become a no no,
Felt love was just damn overrated,
Wearing your heart on the sleeve for daws to peck at,
To trust some jackass with your heart,
So they could rip it out and tear your dreams asunder.

Bliss is...

Bliss is...
Waking up to the aroma of coffee,
The beautiful innocent laughter of a child,
Tangled bed covers and strewn lingerie,
The mellifluous music of a gay skylark,
Azure skies and golden sun rays,
That bear hug where you do not want to let one go,
The sweet smell of the English Primrose on a balmy night,
Walking down the aisle towards your Prince Charming,
Dark chocolate melting on your tongue,
Taking control of the dance floor and dancing the night away,
Reading fairy tales and getting lost in the mystery,
Bliss is all this and more.

 

Melancholy is ...
that phone call which never comes,
A thousand trips to the letter box for that letter that won't come,
Scowling gray skies,
Biting cold winter nights,
A dirge, hearse and a graveside wreath,
A lone dog mournfully howling in the distance,
Being put to sleep by hot saline tears,
Unrequited love,
White cold and sterile hospital walls,
That smile which doesn't reach the eyes,
Melancholy is all these and a whole lot more.

Our Minds

I met  him,

And immediately  fell for his mind,

Quietly sat in a corner,

Yeah, he had the looks and a pretty fancy accent,

But it was the mind that got my attention.

Listened to him once, twice, then I joined in,

He must have felt the same way,

For from the moment I spoke,

I felt him zooming in on me,

Dude was falling for my mind too.

We shut out everybody in the room,

And put our minds to play,

Pushing and pulling,

Testing our limits,

Then going past them.

We talked about Bach,

About Mozart,

About Chopin,

Da Vinci, Socrates and Aristotle.

Delved into Shakespeare, Chaucer and Tolstoy,

Into Emecheta and Achebe,

And into Yeats and Keats.

                                            

He made me smile, blush and feel a tad hot under the collar,

Made me cross and uncross then cross my legs again,

Met his gaze and held it,

Saw the distant flames flickering in the depths of his eyes,

Peered at him from underneath my lashes,

Knowing the effect I was having on him,

And liking it.

Eons later, he spoke...again

In low guttural tones,

Heavy with pent up ‘whatever-it-was-he-was-feeling’,

And I loved what he said J

The 'Meeting'

I wore a fake smile

Way too bright for my liking

Way too sweet, really cloying

But I did not care

I could not let him see,

Let him see how miffed I was.

Walked up to him with a purposeful stride,

Very calm on the outside,

A crumbling mess within,

Stood in-front of him,

Raised my eye a bit and saw that his jaw was set,

The face was set in stone.

Something radiated from his frame,

It was so strong,

But I could not put my finger on it,

Was it anger?

                Was it loathing?

                                Was it frustration?

Whatever it was,

It was damn cold!

Couldn’t find my voice,

My tongue was glued to my palate,

My throat felt parched.

One thing I avoided, was meeting his gaze,

I did not want him to see the murky swirling waters of turmoil within my soul,

I did not want him to see the shards of my broken heart,

The very shards I have been frantically trying to piece back together.

I did not want him to see the dark venomous anger,

I was fighting so hard to suppress.

I did not want to see the emptiness in his eyes,

I did not want to meet a cold blank stare,

I did not want to see the scorn in his soul

So I stared blindly at the horizon,

Grabbed what was mine from his hands,

Turned on my heel ,

And left!

                                *Sigh*

Do the math!

There were moments
Moments when I allowed people's opinions to define me
Moments when somebody's mean words towards me
Made me doubt myself.

I would falter
Stutter
Hesitate
Stammer
For they would have said I was inadequate.

I would move around in a daze
Like a husk of a being
Apologizing for things I would not have done
Doing penance for sins I did not commit
Doing time for crimes I had nothing to do with.

He said I was a nut case at one time
And it riled me up!
He said I was insure another time
And I went ballistic!

Saying spiteful words
Goading me to react
So he would call me a nut case again.

Now as I sit and look back
I realize that it ain't me who had a problem
But he who spewed out the mean words.

Belittling others
To feed his own ego,
Making others feel insecure
To compensate for his own low self esteem.

I ain't all those 'things' you said I was,
Funny thing is you were actually defining yourself there
With those words you thought were meant for me.

I ain't mad at you no more
Cause you are pointing at me with one finger
But the remaining four are pointing right back at you,
Do the math!!

What A Life!

He played my body like a violin
Took my senses to greater heights
And allowed me to soar
Such passion!

He told me all the beautiful words I wanted to hear
Took my head to the clouds
And allowed me to dream
Such gaiety!

He would make me smile,
Make me blush
Make me giggle
Make me purr
Make me moan
Such ecstasy!

Made a portmanteau with our names
I had a band of beads on my wrist
Spelling out his name
He had a band of beads on his wrist
Spelling out my name
Such love!

In my mind's eye he was my soul mate
In my heart he was my knight in shining armor
In my soul he was my Adam....my Romeo
Such folly!

Turned out all those sweets words
All those beautiful magical moments
Those 'sincere' heart to heart exchanges
Were just but a charade
What betrayal!

What an experience!
         What an ordeal!
                  What a life!

CHAOS!!

If only my heart’s compartments,

Were as orderly as a library catalog,

With each emotion carefully stored away,

In the right box,

With tags neatly placed on the cubicles,

Giving space to sanity,

To roam freely in the life-giving organ.

But it seems everything has been jumbled up haphazardly,

Cords that had the heart connected to another,

Rudely severed,

They dangle precariously,

I trip on these cords,

And as I fall,

I cut my foot on the shards,

Of my shattered heart.

The acute pain is numbing,

So numbing,

My tears are frozen,

Hanging from the tear ducts like icicles!

Oh how I wish they would just fall,

How I wish my body would be raked by those huge violent sobs,

And erase these dark shadows engulfing me.

Just a sigh,

A gasp

And the crack in my voice when I try to talk

I lie down

And feel my heart, with all its crazy chaos,

Slowly dying

Giving up on me!

Déjà vu

Hello pain!

            Hello melancholy!

                        Hello solitude!

                                    Hello grief!

                                                Hello again bitterness!

Teetering and tottering in the dark,

Groping blindly for some sanity,

Trying to understand how I got here!

This feeling ain’t new though,

Even though it has been a long time since I have felt like this!

I have been here before,

This deep-dark-lane,

Where the sun does not shine,

And the sky is constantly angry and sulking,

Scowling down at me!

How I have slipped back into this chasm of anguish I do not know,

I have been down this road before,

This empty, broken grey boulevard,

Where gusts of winds of anguish tug at your hair as you trudge on,

Stinging your cheeks and leaving them raw!

I have been this crushed before,

Did not know what to do with my poor heart,

And God knows how I fought to drag myself out of that dark dingy tunnel,

God knows how I nursed myself back to being a gay being again,

Lord knows how far I have come,

And Lord knows how much of myself I have given…

…only to plunge back into these murky waters

That threaten to drown me! 

...Of Burnt Hearts

Have you ever experienced this kind of heart ache…

Where your heart does not break…

But burns!

Charred…

…charcoal black!

Where the acrid stench of the smoke actually makes you reel…

Where the dark fumes from the burning heart go up to your eyes,

And force blistering saline tears to well and spill,

Leaving your eyes puffy and bloodshot!

Where the pungent thick miasmas ascend to your brain…

Invoking images of deep dark tumultuous waters..

Images of violent storms…

And bleak barren days ahead!

When the sound of the raging fires devouring your heart are so loud..

So loud they drown the beautiful chirping of skylarks…

And the low hum of the working bee …

Where the smoke is just too thick…

So thick everything you see is devoid of colour,

You fail even to see the rainbow in-front of you!

And the pain!

That kind of agony

Where you feel like your ribcage has squeezed your heart way too much,

That a stray rib has pierced your heart to the core!

Where you feel a huge lump in your throat

And you cannot swallow the lump,

For your throat is parched,

As ‘parched’ as your burnt heart!

You feel like the walls are closing in on you,

Like the darkness is stifling you,

Like the fingers of melancholy are choking you,

And despite the flames licking your heart,

Your soul just grows cold!

I have heard of broken hearts mending..healing,

But have never heard of burnt hearts being restored to normalcy!!!!!

The China Doll

She sits there, 

with an aura of serenity,

With her bejeweled hands on her lap, 

 

She is the true paragon of peace, 

Neither the wind, 

nor the heat disturb her poise, 

Yeah she is so calm, 

But did you see the storm brewing in her eyes? 

Did you see her lip tremble? 

Did you hear her teeth grind? 

Yeah she is hurting inside, 

Don't look at her coiffured hair, 

it tells nothing about her anguish, 

Look into her eyes, 

and see the tears threatening to spill, 

Then you will learn the magnitude of her pain.

BUT I FAIL!

I sit alone on the pew

In the cold gloomy chapel

Fingering the wooden Rosary beads

As I try to murmur the Litany

But I FAIL!

A lump forms in my throat

Eyes start smarting

I furiously blink tears away

As I try to whisper the Novena

But I FAIL!

The more I fight the tears,

The more they fall,

Falling hard onto the words I have scribbled

Bloating the letters

As I try to write a sweet Ode to you

But I FAIL!

I can barely see through my tears,

My hand is shaking terribly

Yet I keep on scribbling away

Anguish gushes out of my broken soul

Onto the paper,

My melancholy bubbles over

And spills out as hot salty tears.

I can’t imagine you gone

I can’t stand the idea of having your body in the bowels of the earth

I don’t want to say ‘I miss you’

For I don’t want to believe you are gone.

I loved you, still do

There is discord in our lives now….

This ain’t easy

This ain’t easy

This ain’t easy

This is HAAAARD!

Here I am,

Here I am,

At that place with no name,

were 1+1 is no longer 2,

but 3 or worse still zero,

where answers are no-longer in black or white,

but all shades of grey,

where pain becomes your shadow,

tears quench your thirst,

melancholy becomes your staple,

i am here,

grasping in the dark,

for some kind of sanity,

wish i were devoid of all emotion,

than to feel this crushing anguish,

wish i could go numb,

and indifferent,

till my poor heart is completely mended.

Grave - Side Tears :'(

Dear Ma

It’s me again,

I have brought you your favorite flowers,

I bought these from Cece’s florist,

Couldn’t get any from our own flower garden

Cause all the flowers there have wilted,

The roses have lost their petals,

The chrysanthemums have lost their colour

Even the bees no longer buzz near the kitchen window.

Word is,

It’s so quiet here without you Ma,

So cold that the hot embers of the fire,

Can’t thaw the ice encasing my heart

And so lonely that even if a million people fill the house,

The loneliness can’t go away.

I’m so scared Ma,

Cause the world suddenly looms big in front of me,

And you aren’t there to hold my hand,

When I cross the busy streets of life.

EYES…

Eyes are the entryway to the heart,

Where all feelings dwell.

The windows to one’s soul, 

Revealing all of chi’s secrets.

Eyes can glow, spark and smolder,

Tell their own tale without flinching.

They can watch, ogle and gaze,

Attract and seduce without blinking.

Eyes never lie,

Even when the lips do.

Eyes are never scared,

Even when the heart is….

Murky eyes,

Like turbulent waters,

Tell of a dark, twisted soul.

Crystal-clear frank eyes,

Like the vast azure skies,

Talk about a tranquil, beautiful inner being.

Lips....

Lips…

The supple cherry lace,

Bordering a sweet, sensual mouth.

Gates to passion,

Wired with intense nerves,

That go haywire when triggered.

Red lips,

Dark lips,

Full lips,

Thin lips,

Pouting lips,

Puckered lips.

They can lie,

They can declare,

They can swear.

They can kiss,

They can smile,

They can laugh.

The svelte cherry lace,

Entry way to ardor.

That smile....

That smile

Yes that one that starts from the eyes

Leaving distant flames flickering in the depths of your eyes

That one which lights up the whole face

Giving you a halo.

That smile

Invokes images of sunny days,

With clear azure skies,

Dotted by wisps of cotton-candy clouds

With skylarks singing their hearts out.

That smile

Summons dreams of balmy evenings,

With ink-black skies

The stars looking like crystals strewn on black velvet

The sweet scent of evening primrose heavy in the air.

That smile

Yes that one that starts from the eyes

Leaving distant flames flickering in the depths of your eyes

That one which lights up the whole face

Making your lips look beautiful.

I'm lost!!!

The sun is all out

With its golden rays fingering the mountain tops

Blazing hot

But my soul is just cold

Shivering non-stop

And nothing can thaw the ice around it.

The room is full of people

Am actually drowning in the afternoon chatter

But my heart feels terribly lonely

I feel so removed from all the activity

And not even one voice can soothe me.

Loneliness knows me by name!!

Then the moon is all out

In its majestic splendor

Yet my spirit is so gloomy

Tripping and groping in the dark

For some kind of sanity.

The needle on the compass is pointing north

And I can see the horizon clearly

Yet my being feels lost

Being tugged hither and thither

Like mere driftwood.

The Pendulum Bob

This moment,as gay as a lark.

The next, plunged into a murky pool of despair. 

Today,all is clear,you are here. 

Tomorrow, all is foggy,you are there. 

Alternating between tears and laughter, 

serenity and turbulence, 

gaiety and melancholy. 

Even the pendulum bob itself grows weary, 

of the perpetual motion.

Why don't you give it a break,

and tell it were it truly belongs.