CHAOS!!

If only my heart’s compartments,

Were as orderly as a library catalog,

With each emotion carefully stored away,

In the right box,

With tags neatly placed on the cubicles,

Giving space to sanity,

To roam freely in the life-giving organ.

But it seems everything has been jumbled up haphazardly,

Cords that had the heart connected to another,

Rudely severed,

They dangle precariously,

I trip on these cords,

And as I fall,

I cut my foot on the shards,

Of my shattered heart.

The acute pain is numbing,

So numbing,

My tears are frozen,

Hanging from the tear ducts like icicles!

Oh how I wish they would just fall,

How I wish my body would be raked by those huge violent sobs,

And erase these dark shadows engulfing me.

Just a sigh,

A gasp

And the crack in my voice when I try to talk

I lie down

And feel my heart, with all its crazy chaos,

Slowly dying

Giving up on me!

Déjà vu

Hello pain!

            Hello melancholy!

                        Hello solitude!

                                    Hello grief!

                                                Hello again bitterness!

Teetering and tottering in the dark,

Groping blindly for some sanity,

Trying to understand how I got here!

This feeling ain’t new though,

Even though it has been a long time since I have felt like this!

I have been here before,

This deep-dark-lane,

Where the sun does not shine,

And the sky is constantly angry and sulking,

Scowling down at me!

How I have slipped back into this chasm of anguish I do not know,

I have been down this road before,

This empty, broken grey boulevard,

Where gusts of winds of anguish tug at your hair as you trudge on,

Stinging your cheeks and leaving them raw!

I have been this crushed before,

Did not know what to do with my poor heart,

And God knows how I fought to drag myself out of that dark dingy tunnel,

God knows how I nursed myself back to being a gay being again,

Lord knows how far I have come,

And Lord knows how much of myself I have given…

…only to plunge back into these murky waters

That threaten to drown me! 

...Of Burnt Hearts

Have you ever experienced this kind of heart ache…

Where your heart does not break…

But burns!

Charred…

…charcoal black!

Where the acrid stench of the smoke actually makes you reel…

Where the dark fumes from the burning heart go up to your eyes,

And force blistering saline tears to well and spill,

Leaving your eyes puffy and bloodshot!

Where the pungent thick miasmas ascend to your brain…

Invoking images of deep dark tumultuous waters..

Images of violent storms…

And bleak barren days ahead!

When the sound of the raging fires devouring your heart are so loud..

So loud they drown the beautiful chirping of skylarks…

And the low hum of the working bee …

Where the smoke is just too thick…

So thick everything you see is devoid of colour,

You fail even to see the rainbow in-front of you!

And the pain!

That kind of agony

Where you feel like your ribcage has squeezed your heart way too much,

That a stray rib has pierced your heart to the core!

Where you feel a huge lump in your throat

And you cannot swallow the lump,

For your throat is parched,

As ‘parched’ as your burnt heart!

You feel like the walls are closing in on you,

Like the darkness is stifling you,

Like the fingers of melancholy are choking you,

And despite the flames licking your heart,

Your soul just grows cold!

I have heard of broken hearts mending..healing,

But have never heard of burnt hearts being restored to normalcy!!!!!